As ever, life/family/work/play/well-being are jostling for top position on my list of things to do & improve. But I have met some inspiring & supportive people in recent weeks. And they have brought the gift of time to me.
I was searching, for lots of answers but mostly I was searching for time. It seems in short supply, never more so when you can measure it in the inches your children grow, their new words, their changing play & preferences. Yesterday, someone on the radio mentioned that the year is more than a quarter gone already, and I lamented the fleeting nature of time and the perceived loss of my children's childhoods as greedy time eats away the precious moments in which I can play with them or watch them at play, see them grow, listen to their sleepy breathing, kiss their soft cheeks as I bless them before I sleep.
And yet, with a small melancholy, I realised that this is what being a mother is - watching time pass as the souls you welcomed into the world grow and change and find their own passage through time. So I have accepted it. I cannot make more time. I can choose how to spend the precious moments of my children's lives. I can choose to play or watch, to get involved or simply be aware of how they pass their time. Sometimes of course, I may want to play, but they may have other intentions, and then it is my role to step back, to watch & wait and be ready with open arms to receive their love, or their distress. Comfort offered is time spent well.
My children are ready to receive, present - they live each day expectantly. Children know that each day brings its own gifts. Adventures can be great, but they can also be small. Trips to the pet shop for aquatic frog & tadpole food (are there non-aquatic frogs & tadpoles?). Run, run, running down the road. Reading a new book together. Children feel the slow passage of time (How many sleeps until summer Mama?) so they happily accept what the day brings. I can remember those days that stretched out in front of my young self, time passing so slowly.
Now, I want to slow time again. To linger over moments spent watching tadpoles in our tiny pond. To luxuriate in the cosy snugness of my children's sleepy cuddles at bedtime. To feel the rise & fall of their bodies in deep sleep breathing next to me in our family bed.
Of course I also want more "me" time. So with some prompting from new acquaintances I have resolved to do the impossible and make more time. I keep a diary & actually write appointments down. It takes a few minutes but it means I don't spend hours trying to juggle over-commitment. It means that I won't ever book myself to be at three events that end & start within minutes of each other on the same day again.
I have learned to say no when my head & heart scream "Please no more! I want to be with my children"
And I have discovered that I suddenly have the time to write in that journal I always intended to keep. And still, I can keep my house (almost) tidy, have clean washing, cook for my family, and plan to do things that will feel like "me" time too.
It turns out that now I have decided to be ready to receive it, time has gifted me many extra minutes in the day. I'm still not quite sure how many I have or how slowly or speedily they will melt away, I expect I never will be.
I am happy to know that in being ready to do a little less of this, and a lot more of that, I have found at least a little of what I was searching for. And time will bring its own gifts. I will have the time to search for the other answers that remain elusive.
And you know, when I remember to take a deep breath and tell myself I have all the time in the world, I really do.
