Shadows

There are shadow sides to all the facets of our personalities. We can't hide from them.  That tidbit of gossip you can't help but share about another friend, the slight hint of sibling rivalry, vague resentment of your partner's apparent freedom...

There are shadows to emotion too. I offer yoga for joyful motherhood. Am I fraud then if I do not experience constant blissful joy each moment of the day?

Simply, no.  As a mother, I have experienced exhaustion, desperation, fear, anxiety and post natal depression.  I still find it hard to acknowledge any PND but there it is, my shadow. It lurks even now, that sad voice, that lonely voice, that inner child crying quietly in the hope that someone will notice.  I notice, I hear that voice.

...sometimes it needs me to pause, to listen, to reassess.  Sometimes, it needs a big hug, I need a big hug.  Or a kind smile, a word of reassurance here & there.

Occasionally it needs a little more.  And then I know where to look for help.  My breath, my yoga, fresh air. Play more with my children. Snuggle more with my husband.  Talk to someone.  I can't turn my back, the crying is insistent and it will get louder, slowly but surely.

Does it prevent me from experiencing joyful motherhood? It brings clouds, sometimes small ones that obscure the sun for just a moment.  Other days, my overcast sky is heavy with dark rainclouds, thunder imminent...And yet, a crack in the cloud...a bright ray of sunshine to pierce the most solid looking cumulus nimbus!  A smile, a "tuddle & tiss mummy", a new word or a shared book, my children hugging each other...

Motherhood is many things - challenging, tiring, inspiring, and most of all it is joyful...Someone once said that without tears, our soul cannot know a rainbow.

Bright sunshine casts dark shadows.

My heart is full of big fat splosh in the puddle tears...and bursts of sunshine that lift the darkest shadow...My children bring me great joy even in the moments I feel most lost as a mother.

And for me, yoga reminds me to look for that joy on the days when I am tempted to join my inner child & sob in the shadows, it calls me to breathe, take the next step and let my children once more lift my heart & my spirit...Let the sun shine!

Presence

School run, playgroup, breastfeeding protest, lunch, meet friends, school run, park, washing, dinner, plasticine play, bedtime, plan yoga lessons, clean kitchen, catch up emails....

The never ending list of things to do,  it grows & grows, sometimes one thing gets ticked off, but 3 more rush in to fill the space...Is there ever a moment of stillness? Will my mind ever completely settle to one task without planning ahead or recalling past disasters?

A micro-practice then to slow me down, quiet my chattering mind, bring me back to cooking...

Presence...

Breathe...Inhale...Exhale...stay in the gaps, hold them, feel their peace, brief stillness in the body, rest the mind there...Inhale...Exhale...

Breathe...I am peeling garlic...Breathe...I am chopping garlic...Breathe...I am melting butter...Breathe....

And onwards...Be mindful, be present, simple narrative statements...I am thinking of writing this in my blog later, noted, now back to stirring the lentils....Breathe...I am measuring the rice...Breathe...I am rinsing the rice....

Try it - be mindful, notice your thoughts but don't follow them...and remember to breathe...you have all the time in the world...